intensity

my brains feel like they are slowly trying to pour out from behind my eyes - the florescent lighting in the office is pressing down on my eyes which makes me want to close them so that my brains will stay in my head.

...now where was i with this education program outline...

i really don't want to be sitting at the computer any more

the tv is on in the next room but i don't think there is anyone watching it... just as well tv is evil... i have killed evil tv

i am tired and feeling very drained...physically and monetarily... i spent hours at the mall (mall is evil too) wedding shoe shopping. the worst of it was that i was suckered into buying insanely expensive tea in ridiculously large quantities ... after the first thrill of finding really good loose leaf tea wore off the reality of having spent a large portion of my small paycheck began to settle in...(this is the worst because i love tea and feeling bad about spending money at tea is not happy) *sigh* oh well tea is tea and it will be good and i will be able to share because i had to buy so much...

but now the weepies and kin are on pandora and and i have friendly glass of pinot noir beside me and lover in next room so life is looking better...

i did manage to find shoes. they are not really what i was looking for but they will do and they might even be high enough that i won't have to get dress hemmed... that would be good... i need to figure this out...perhaps i will do this when i go home tonight... guys have it so easy - all they have to do is go to a tux shop and find the right size. end of story. but the shoes put me one step closer to accomplishing my oct goal: my dress. still need to check on length and get bodice to fit...

next month's big goals are invitations and marriage prep.

i have list of things to do while in cali later this week:
-talk to caterer and figure out budget and menu
-talk to girlfriend (helen) doing flowers
-talk to dj (raab) for reception
-talk to hotel people (spi and bm) for guests
-see church hall for reception
-talk to choir director (john) about musics
-photo mission and hall
-see peoples!!!! (most important)
...but i really need to get all of the other things done too...without being arrested for grand theft auto... this might pose a challenge...

my da is getting married...everything is changing and feels so different... i feel different to myself... i'm not sure what to make of it all...

when i first stumbled upon these electronic pages they were as entrancing as any of my favorite books. one theme ran through them more frequently than others: that of wanting to leave, to just go somewhere anywhere, not here. at times i sympathized, sharing the author's frustration and cabin fever. sometimes i remonstrated saying that there was always something beautiful to be found around you where ever you were - it was just a matter of knowing how to look. and there were times it was my page that was bleeding the desire to fly, to have done and be gone.

i've lost track of everyone for a while making the excuse that things were busy or that the net connection was too slow or that i was trying to "get out and live in the real world". but that gives the lie to why i started writing in the first place...
i've begun again to read these pages again and the same themes are threading in and out between the lines on the screen. the desire for change. and now i look and see and know that desire and i am helpless.



i am so very far away - i feel so very far away.